1.8 “I Can’t Do It”
How Self-Beliefs Shape Your Identity and Daily Life
I woke up and the first thing that rushed through my mind was “Oh no, another day, I can’t do it.” I was so used to this kind of thinking so I barely noticed it anymore. Slowly and desperately, I crawled out of bed - more dead than alive. The first glance in the mirror gave me a little shock, though. Dang, how could I look like a vampire after a night of kind of pretty good sleep? I really wanted to get back under the blanket and hide there. What good could I possibly bring to this world? I was struggling with my very existence.
Hiding under the blanket in the morning.
This is more or less a story of many people. If we take a closer look, identity and beliefs play a huge role in this experience. There is the thought that almost goes unnoticed: “I can’t do it”. A thought that implies helplessness. Do we want to stay with those thoughts - and hold us back from living fully and freely?
In the first article “What is Identity”, I briefly explained the concept of identity in psychology. I cited the APA and left it at that. Now, we’ll focus it down to personal identity - the part shaped by your own beliefs and self-definitions, not by your roles or groups.
Different Theories and Models on Identity
The term identity has been researched extensively, and still there is plenty of confusion about it. There are theories about how identity forms in childhood, and how our sense of identity develops as we grow up - or how different stages of life challenge us with different tasks to reach a stable sense of self. Here, I want to focus on how personal identity is shaped by ourselves - what we believe, what desires and goals we have, and how these shape the way we think about ourselves (see: Vignoles, Schwartz, & Luyckx, 2011).
2. The Content of Your Identity
Let’s look at identity in a metaphorical way. Imagine you have a suitcase of “identity” - your personal identity -and it is up to you what you put in it. Will you place an image of someone who wakes up feeling lifeless and believes they can do nothing good, like in the story above? Or will you place in it a picture of a positive and hopeful person? Think for a moment about what makes up your identity-suitcase.
Your identity-suitcase
What attributes of yourself would you put in?
What do you believe about yourself in general?
These can be attributes (“I am organized”) as well as roles you give yourself (“the messy girl” or “the athlete”). They strongly shape the sense of self. These thoughts have very practical implications for how you think about yourself - and they will ultimately influence your next actions.
“Sow a thought, and you reap an action; sow an act, and you reap a habit; sow a habit, and you reap a character; sow a character, and you reap a destiny.” This quote has been passed through many authors, but it carries a lot of truth.
What are the characteristic beliefs you hold about yourself?
You might say you are a shy person because you’ve often found yourself in social situations where you didn’t dare to speak. Or you might be the opposite — always entertaining the whole table with stories. And probably, you place value on this trait. Society often labels shyness as something to overcome (which is another topic in itself). Over time, you will better understand in which situations certain traits of yourself become more prevalent - and that is fully okay.
What goals do you have?
Do you want to be a business woman? Live in a specific place? Get married? Have children? Give a public speech? Earn a certain amount of money?
These aspirations influence your sense of self. Whether you reach your goals or not can also significantly shape how you see yourself — depending on how much importance you assign to them.
What values do you hold?
Values are the foundation of personal identity.
They guide your decisions, shape your priorities, and influence what you find meaningful.
Identity researchers summarize it well:
“People are self-theorists… and their theories include their behaviors, values, goals, ideologies, life requirements, and the whole history of their life.”
(Vignoles, Schwartz, & Luyckx, 2011)
3. Action step: Test your Self-Beliefs
I want to challenge you to reflect on the questions above. Then ask yourself:
Are the attributes you give yourself real? Is there objective evidence for them?
Your picture of yourself should be realistic — don’t deceive yourself. And it should also be positive. Maybe you have traits you consider “bad” or that hold you back. Acknowledge them, but don’t stay stuck there. Instead of defining yourself by your weaknesses, try to focus on the bright side — on the potential. And always, go back to the core (see first article).
To test your characteristic beliefs about yourself, it can be helpful to ask people around you — if you dare. Go for it! There is nothing shameful about wanting to know how others see you. It can provide great insights, depending on whom you ask. You can also take a personality or strengths test (e.g., Gallup StrengthsFinder). It might be worth the investment.
But also, don’t limit yourself to those results.
You are more than your achievements and your good traits as well.
You can take some reflective notes.
Here’s your challenge:
Reflect on what you believe about yourself.
Do you have a place to write those thoughts down? If so, you can come back to them when necessary.
Ask: Is this objectively true? Check your assumptions.
Ask trusted people for feedback.
Consider tools like the Gallup StrengthsFinder.
Acknowledge your weaknesses — but don’t camp there.
You’re not perfect, and neither is anyone else. God has made you, and He put thought into it. Rather than lamenting your shortcomings, it’s better to be humble about them without dramatizing them.
Choose to fill your identity-suitcase with truth, possibility, and growth.